Excuse me my language…
If you checked my previous post, you probably already know that English is not my first language. Sometimes I feel or want to express something, and I simply don’t have the vocabulary, so the end result looks devoid of feeling (if that’s the right expression).
Today I don’t feel like thinking too much about the right words. I just feel the need to come here and write before heading to bed. Not feeling good at all. So, excuse me if this post doesn’t use 100% correct English.
Call it home sick, call it loneliness, whatever! Sometimes I’m just tired of being alone. Don’t get me wrong, I think my life isn’t that bad. My new job is working out nicely. Even got a raise after only 6 months without asking for it, and everything in my life is improving slowly… but once in a while I wonder if I’m really doing the right thing, if I’m doing whatever will make me happy in the long run.
Ever had the feeling you’re alone in the world? Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’ve chosen “Crowded Void” for the domain name. I have my highs and lows. A crowded mind sometimes still feeling empty.
I have friends, I have family, but when I’m down, I can’t stop feeling this way. Being all alone here, away from them doesn’t help either. I’m not the kind of person that stays down for a long time. I can easily find motivation in anything, and just a few words can quickly bring me up, but damn it, today I feel alone.
I miss someone by my side.
I don’t regret my divorce. Was the best thing I did to improve my life. My ex-wife was sinking, and I just kept trying to keep us both afloat the best way I could for a long time, but there is no point in staying with someone that just doesn’t want to be helped, or can’t improve, or even learn from past mistakes, or whatever. If we stayed together, I’m sure my life would be miserable by now. I had to move on…
I don’t miss the person at all… but I miss the simple things a life together provided.
If you’re reading this and you had a failed marriage, or something similar, you probably know what I mean. A dinner together, going out to see a movie, coming home to someone. Just the feeling you’re not alone. We simply get used to that feeling. Friends and family can fill in that void somehow, but not completely. Sometimes I miss more.
I see people with their own kids, their own family, and can’t help thinking that I still want to have my own kids, my own family, and I wonder if I’m going in the right direction here.
A few months before moving here, I had to break up a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling me. I just felt I was going somehow the same way as my failed marriage, even considering that person didn’t do anything wrong. I just thought it was the most rational thing to do. I know from experience that after each failed relationship, we just close our heart a little bit more. I thought it was a cliché, but it is not, really. I already had my dose of failed relationships. 1 year after my divorce, I fell completely in love for another person, who eventually broke up with me. I loved her so much, that I could do anything for her. I knew I had a destination, my piece of heaven, and suddenly, it just felt someone pulled the rug out from under me. I couldn’t believe it. Worst feeling I had so far in my life. The pain was so much that I just wanted to shut down. A feeling that you can’t take it, that you can’t stop crying, a feeling that you just want to have a shutdown button, or pull a plug and just drop dead, end it there. She never really clearly explained the reason she broke up with me, or maybe it was me that simply couldn’t (or didn’t want) understand it. Today, we speak again once in a while. I never forgot the feeling, but I got over it, and managed to accept it.
Sometime after that relationship, I had another one (the one I mentioned earlier), but this time was the other way around… I broke up, without a real reason, at least on her point of view. She kept saying she loved me a lot. I knew I had a reason to break up. Was simply the most rational choice. I felt the relationship didn’t had any future, but I simply couldn’t explain it properly. Then I had an epiphany… I was doing exactly the same thing my previous girlfriend did to me… maybe she was in the same position as me… maybe she just knew it was the best thing to do. That somehow helped me accept the past and gave me the conviction I was doing the right thing.
Like I said, after each failed relationship, we close our hearts a little bit, and sooner or later, we look back and think hard if we really gave everything we had to give, and if anything could have been different. When I’m feeling down, I do take a look at the past and think about those things. The rational side tells me I’m on the right track (and everything points to that) , but the emotional side never knows for sure.
I still have someone back in my home country. A relationship that started just a little before I moved here. I have no idea of what the future holds for that part of my life, as that relationship needs more time to mature for sure, but today I miss her. I miss her company, her smile, her smell, everything.
I just needed to write about it… I needed to put it down on words!
Tomorrow I’ll be ok for sure, I know…
Well, the best saying for today is probably…
“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
