I see people with their own kids, their own family, and can’t help thinking that I still want to have my own kids, my own family, and I wonder if I’m going in the right direction here.

A few months before moving here, I had to break up a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling me. I just felt I was going somehow the same way as my failed marriage, even considering that person didn’t do anything wrong. I just thought it was the most rational thing to do. I know from experience that after each failed relationship, we just close our heart a little bit more. I thought it was a cliché, but it is not, really. I already had my dose of failed relationships. 1 year after my divorce, I fell completely in love for another person, who eventually broke up with me. I loved her so much, that I could do anything for her. I knew I had a destination, my piece of heaven, and suddenly, it just felt someone pulled the rug out from under me. I couldn’t believe it. Worst feeling I had so far in my life. The pain was so much that I just wanted to shut down. A feeling that you can’t take it, that you can’t stop crying, a feeling that you just want to have a shutdown button, or pull a plug and just drop dead, end it there. She never really clearly explained the reason she broke up with me, or maybe it was me that simply couldn’t (or didn’t want) understand it. Today, we speak again once in a while. I never forgot the feeling, but I got over it, and managed to accept it.
Sometime after that relationship, I had another one (the one I mentioned earlier), but this time was the other way around… I broke up, without a real reason, at least on her point of view. She kept saying she loved me a lot. I knew I had a reason to break up. Was simply the most rational choice. I felt the relationship didn’t had any future, but I simply couldn’t explain it properly. Then I had an epiphany… I was doing exactly the same thing my previous girlfriend did to me… maybe she was in the same position as me… maybe she just knew it was the best thing to do. That somehow helped me accept the past and gave me the conviction I was doing the right thing.
Like I said, after each failed relationship, we close our hearts a little bit, and sooner or later, we look back and think hard if we really gave everything we had to give, and if anything could have been different. When I’m feeling down, I do take a look at the past and think about those things. The rational side tells me I’m on the right track (and everything points to that) , but the emotional side never knows for sure.

I still have someone back in my home country. A relationship that started just a little before I moved here. I have no idea of what the future holds for that part of my life, as that relationship needs more time to mature for sure, but today I miss her. I miss her company, her smile, her smell, everything.

I just needed to write about it… I needed to put it down on words!
Tomorrow I’ll be ok for sure, I know…

Well, the best saying for today is probably…
“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”

The company I work for has employees from all around the world, and the town itself is kind of the same thing. Students make up a considerable percentage of the population, and it’s funny how you can meet people from all around the world in such a small place.

I accepted this new job and moved here alone, about six months ago. A completely new and strange place to me. I didn’t knew anyone, so the people I end up spending most of my time with, are of course my fellow co-workers.

I work in the games industry, as game programmer, and this industry is particularly fast-paced. People constantly arriving, and leaving. Needless to say, you get to know people, make new friends, and eventually you need to say goodbye. Yesterday was one of those days.

One of the friends with whom I had the most laughs with is returning to his home country, and we had one last dinner with about 15 people as a way to say goodbye.

I decided to enjoy every bit of it. Most people probably don’t notice that about me, but sometimes I just let myself get overwhelmed with senses (And no, I don’t do drugs). It’s just something I do intentionally to enjoy some moments. I relax, let go of everything else and focus on whatever I want. The sense of hearing works great for me. I start by relaxing, to the point that everything seems background noise, and then let myself slowly come back to reality. The end result is that I feel overwhelmed, excited, enjoying every laugh or smile, be it mine or from someone around me.

The dinner was in a nice Indian restaurant, and of course, they have lots of spiced up dishes. We ordered a bottle of really nice Italian red wine. I usually only drink wine in special occasions, like a dinner with family or friends. Again, I enjoyed the smell and the taste.

For the food, I ordered something really spicy for me, that I never tasted before. One of my friends, who is used to spicy food, after tasting my food said… and I quote: “You’re brave!”. I was literally sweating!
After a while, I couldn’t feel a thing. Completely numb. Or should I say, comfortably numb. Overwhelmed by my senses. One of the most fun meals I ever had, that’s what I told them.

At some point while we were all having fun, one of the things I said to that friend of mine who was leaving, was…:
“This is my way to remember this night, to remember you!”
And I was being honest.

After the dinner, we all walked to one of the pubs we usually go, and stayed there for a while. Still, I was enjoying every bit. Eventually, we had to split and go home.

Another night full of small things I will remember for a long time.

Farewell my friend.
I hope we meet again.